Note: Half of this post was originally posted on sister blog Mavenity. I’ve taken the parts that are relevant to The Curvy Nerd and written new material around it. The original post is in the blue box!
Being a big girl dating can be frustrating for a number of reasons, many of which I’ve previously discussed. Online dating has a particular caveat in that all the lead-up to dating a person takes place from behind a computer screen, with wooing based on words and some pictures. How do you know that what you see if what you get? Will attraction online translate to attraction in person? He likes the pictures I’ve posted, but will he be disappointed if I’m bigger in real life?
Pictures can lie, or at least soften the truth. Anyone, fat or thin, pretty or plain, knows that it’s key to choose flattering photos for your online dating profile. People do care what you look like, and that grainy photo of you taken from fifty feet away isn’t doing you any justice, nor is the “My Space” style angle shot of just your head & shoulders. We choose pictures with flattering angles, hair styles, clothing. And if you’re overweight, well, come on – we post the photos we have (or have some taken) that downplay our body, and play up our favorite features (usually shoulders up).
Personally, I strive to be as honest as possible in my online dating profiles, even to my detriment in terms of responses/interest. If the site has a body type option, I say curvy or a few extra pounds. I specify that I’d like to be matched with average/stocky guys (I’m attracted to thin men, but am sick & tired of being matched with gym rats who have no interest in me). I post my favorite head shots, but I also try to have at least one full body or most-of-my-body shot that at least shows that I’m bigger than average (even if it’s not my “before” picture from this blog!). I never pretend to be thin, but I hardly announce that I’m fat, either.
However, this isn’t fool-proof, and I always stress about whether or not he has the wrong impression of me – did he see all my photos (or at all)? Was posting the most flattering angle of my full body a bad idea? Will he still like me when he meets me in person, and I’m maybe fatter than he was expecting? (I do, after all, appear pretty thin from the shoulders up XD) What happens when your worst case scenario comes true – either you open up about your size, or you share a full body photo OR you find out via other means that your potential date is, gulp, no longer interested because of your size. Or, even worse, openly hates fat people.
In February 2011, one month into this weight loss journey, exactly this happened to me. I was on eHarmony, and came face-to-face with the issue a lot of us fear – someone I was interested in, who seemed interested in me, indicated that he would not date someone who was overweight. Not only that, but additional web crawling lead me to his journal, where he posted from pretty hateful words about “fatties.” What a nice, ugly reminder that it doesn’t always matter that you have a “great personality,” are funny, smart and interesting. If you’re fat, you are not an option.
So I was on the fourth leg of “Guided Communication,” where you send another user your Must Haves/Can’t Stands. And I found myself staring at something that stopped me cold:
He listed in his “Can’t Stands” Excessive Overweight.
Ruh-roh.
Let’s talk about eHarmony’s “Excessive Overweight” category, and body size on eHarmony in general. eHarmony, it seems, wants to tip-toe about body size. Maybe it’s because THE 29 DIMENSIONS OF COMPATIBILITY RULE ALL, or because eHarmony does give a shit about physical attraction and favors the “let’s throw spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks” approach, but for a fat kid, it’s rather disconcerting. The problem is, everyone’s idea of “fat,” “overweight,” “excessive overweight” and “obese” differs. And let’s be honest, “excessive overweight” sounds like a euphemism for “obese,” right? But then the description of this “Can’t Stand” reads: I can’t stand someone who is overweight.
Hold on. Just “overweight”? What the HELL does that mean? I’m overweight. But I’m not obese, and wouldn’t class myself as “excessive” anything. But a fatty hater might think being above a size ten IS excessive, and obese (CRAZYTOWN). So when Lawyer #2 (as I nicknamed him) listed that as a can’t stand, I became concerned. Is he a fatty hater who will think I’m slob and dismiss me out of hand? Or does he not want to date someone who is obese, and 100, 150, 200 pounds overweight? That is certainly understandable. Thinking I’M obese is not.
I put my Googling skills to good use, and using the email he gave me and his first name tracked down his Twitter and LJ. I won’t post the exact quote here because it’s Googleable and would compromise his identity, but let’s just say I found a recent post on his LJ about how he hates how “obese” women “pretend to be thin” by posting “manipulated” and cropped photos of themselves so men won’t see they are fat. They should “lose wait” (sic) before they go on these sites. He also called fat people slobs.
THOSE WACKY FAT CHICKS, TRYING TO DATE LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE! DON’T THEY KNOW THEY ARE FAT AND UNLOVEABLE? </sarcasm>
Funnily enough, I am, in a way, taking his advice. I kick-started my diet and lost a few pounds before I joined eHarmony and started using it in earnest, because I wanted to make sure my health and weight-loss journey were underway. Am I hoping before I meet someone in person that I can shave off a few more pounds? Yes. But I’m not manipulatively cropping photos, and in fact posted a full body shot, though I do have to admit it is a generous one. I weigh a few pounds more now (no more than 15) and I was wearing a flattering and slimming dress (Calvin Klein, shockingly, makes a size 14 dress that FITS me and looks AWESOME), but I posted it purely so any interested matches could see that I’m not a skinny chick.
Still, it grates. Could I ever date a person who hates fat people? Would I ever feel comfortable introducing him to my friends (some of whom are heavier than I am), knowing he thinks they are obese, lazy slobs? Well, no. People who hate fat people often have a different concept of “obese,” and lower tolerance level for it, as actual fat people. (and to boot, he’s a rabid Tea Partyier. Eek).
Further pondering of the situation got me to the bottom of it: as a free preview user, *he couldn’t see my photos*. So even though I posted honest photos, this person in particularly couldn’t see them. You’d think this would make me feel better. It didn’t. Because it means that he was interested in me as a person – background, interests, values, etc. – but not if physically I didn’t fit some idealized package.
Doesn’t that just make you feel like crap, fat ladies? You get the validation of knowing that you’re smart/funny/interesting/whatever, but at the same time are told that your outside package is too abhorrent to date/love? And we wonder why so many fat people hate themselves, and masochistically diet with the belief that there’s a “thin person” inside them dying to get out?
Plenty of people out there think like Lawyer #2, and they’re the types that give people like me complexes about our bodies and dating. It’s also jerk-faces like him that kept me fat for so many years, while I waited in vain for someone to “love me as I am,” and validate in my mind both my personality AND my outer package. A part of me hates giving people like him the satisfaction of slimming down, but on the other hand, I’m doing this for ME… and I’m sure someday I’ll be happy and loved for exactly who I am (and what my fat past has made me), and Lawyer #2 will still be a judgey/preachy asshole who likes to put women into perfect, little boxes. So I win!
[[fun fact: if you go to the original post, you can see eHarmony's "response" to my issues with their body type rubric. I LOLed.]]
I feel like I could have written this. I have had all the same feelings about online dating – in fact, even wrote about it on my blog a couple months ago. Same questions about pictures, describing yourself and so on. So what in the world do we do? Are those BBW sites the only option for women like us? I really hope not.
Great post, BTW! I just discovered your site and am loving it so far.
Ugh, I won’t go near those BBW sites. I’m in a dual mental space about my size — on the one hand I’m realistic and accept it, but on the other hand I loathe the idea of people fetishizing it/defining me by it. So a BBW site wouldn’t work for me. Of course, on the flip side, I can’t go on “regular” dating sites and pretend I’m like everyone else. OKCupid is especially depressing, because not only am a bigger than most girls on there, I’m now significantly older. Back when I started on there at 23, I was the average age and got plenty of attention. Man, has that dried up since I’ve gotten older. I can see the tumbleweeds go by…
I am going to go to your blog and hunt down your dating post and read!
( I thought the delay in posting my comment might be due to your site being down for a little while. Perhaps it was lost?)
As someone who has struggled with body issues for most of my life, I can totally sympathize with your journey. It’s hard enough to find love in Los Angeles, but coupled with weight issues it can feel down right hopeless!
However, while I was reading your post I found myself picking my jaw off the ground in compete and utter disbelief.
You say that you want someone to love you for you, at the size you are now. Which is exactly what everyone deserves. But as you said yourself, you find yourself being attracted to guys who are thin.
So, you’re not attracted to guys with “a few extra pounds” or who have “more to love” Fine. But why is it ok for YOU not to want to date someone with a similar build as your own, but when a guy expresses distaste for a woman who is “excessively overweight” you put him on blast? Isn’t that a double standard?
And, “It’s also jerk-faces like him that kept me fat for so many years” has got to be the biggest plate of crazy I have ever been served! Unless these jerk faces are locking you in a room at gun point without proper diet and exercise, I’d be willing to bet a month’s salary that they are not the ones responsible for your extra lb’s. Get honest with yourself, Curvy Nerd. We can’t change what we don’t acknowledge.
I always appreciate feedback, but I’m a bit perplexed as to some of the allegations in your comment. I don’t believe I said I was only attracted to thin guys and didn’t like “a few extra pounds” or “more to love.” I actually do use “a few extra pounds” on OKCupid when conducting searches, in addition to average & stocky. My statement regarding being attracted to thin men was an addendum to a statement about searching for average/stocky types — I am attracted to them, but I don’t search for them on dating sites because in the past I’ve found they are not attracted to me. I generally seek out average and larger body types.
As to your other comment, you may not have read the other post that I made on the subject. I realize this statement may not make much sense without the context of past posts. The meaning as I intended it is: the fear of rejection by people with stringent standards of body type may lead to a negative feedback loop of staying fat to protect ones self. My own projection of other people’s preferences (and wanting to be loved as a fat person) was one of the excuses, in the guise of “fat acceptance,” that I used to stay overweight and unhealthy for many years. The term jerkface was meant as hyperbolic comedy.
As hard as it is, you just can’t worry about it. You put up who you are on the site and if someone stops talking to you because of how you look then HE IS NOT FOR YOU. Even if he ticks every box on your list. You don’t want to be with someone who says, “Oh man, I’m so glad you hid your body type from me before this moment or otherwise I would not have given you the time of day.” or “I’m so glad you’re thin now so I gave you a chance!”
You’re not too abhorrent to love, those are HIS hang-ups. And then you get excited that a dick removed himself from your life before he could do serious damage.
Dear Curvy,
I guess I misunderstood what you meant when you said “(I’m attracted to thin men, but am sick & tired of being matched with gym rats who have no interest in me)” To me, it sounded like you said you were attracted to thin men.
In regard to the second comment, I think all of us can find a million excuses to stay stuck in whatever our respective rut may be. Glad to hear you have made the conscious decision to leave the jerk faces where they belong, in your past.
Best of luck on your journey!
Why not go on a diet?
@Not Fat Generally I believe in “not feeding the trolls,” but you’re kidding, right? This blog has a “Weight Watchers” category. Weight Watchers = DIET.
But moreover, congrats. Telling a fat girl to go on a diet. Original. Classy.
“Telling a fat girl to go on a diet. Original. Classy.” OK, but it’s sometimes hard to be supportive of your girl going on a diet without making her think you NEED her her to lose weight in order to keep up your interest in her. Recent example: My girlfriend Sonja (size 24) and a number of her BBW pals are dieting, and doing it as a group. I came home last week and found eight of them at the table, mostly complaining about hard their dites are going. One, apparently trying to be funny, pulled out a banana cream pie and placed it on the table, inviting everyone to help themselves. Now I know Sonja has lost some weight, but that’s her doing, not mine. Personally, I really don’t care, but most BBW’s don’t accept that. They are SURE you’d find them sexier if they dropped a dress size or two. And unfortunately, Sonja is no different. She insisted she wanted a piece of pie, and then complained that she shouldn’t. Finally, she asked me to decide for her. Knowing she (not ME) feels the needs to drop some weight, I asked her “Do you really need it?”, which was a huge mistake. What I meant was “Take a piece if you really want it”, but what she (and her girlfriends) heard was “Aren’t you fat enough already?” The question of whether dessert was required, and who exactly required it, was settled by Sonja picking up the pie and pushing it firmly into my face. The girls clapped, whistled, and exchanged gleeful high-fives as I sat there futilely trying to explain myself while wiping away the gooey mess from my face. Lesson learned: It is difficult to maintain your dignity in a roomful of women with face full of pie… So curvynerd: As it was never my idea for her to diet, and how much weight she does or doesn’t lose is her own issue, why can’t I convince Sonja of just that? Why can’t BBW’s accept that not everyone cares how much they weigh? (Sonja has since accepted my explanation for what I meant that day, but she still thinks her reaction was justified, and my taking a pie to the face was, and still is, riotously funny. I’ll take the public humiliation if it ultimately changes her mind…)
I know that it’s kind of a rude thing to say, but I think it’s a great thing that eHarmony lets you see when people have a problem with overweight people. As an overweight woman (though now off the market and off dating websites) I found it frustrating that I put in my profile “I am fat. I am curvy, but I am most certainly fat and go look at my full-body picture before you get romantic ideas about me” and I still got guys who would flirt for days and then tell me they a) didn’t read my profile fully and b)only so my main picture, which is a close-up (part of OKC’s picture policy, though I don’t know if it still is).
I’ve had my own disasters with online dating and I would’ve LOVED to have had an up-front clue that a person is a shallow jerk before talking to them. And maybe I’m alone in this, but part of being body-positive to me is wanting someone who thinks my fat ass is SEXY, not one who is patiently waiting for me to get down to his ideal size, so I don’t diet/exercise any more when I’m single and on dating websites than I do when I’m not.
Physical attraction is a big part of a relationship. If a guy is not attracted to overweight women, there is nothing he can do about it.
Would you as a women date a guy who is 6 inch shorter than you. I have never met a girl doing that, fat or not. If you cannot get over desire to date men of equal height or taller, you have no right to ask an average guy to date an overweight women.
Late to respond, but better late than never. Short answer (ha!) is YES. I would date a guy who was 6″ shorter than me, and in fact I’ve been repeatedly attracted to guys who are 4-6″ shorter than I am. When you’re 5’10″ and you like funny guys, it’s statistically likely that most of the men you like will be shorter than you are. I’ve never dated anyone my height or taller – always shorter.
Women are not as shallow as you think.
I see your points ladies, these days curvy girls have been realised that they too deserve the same attention as any other woman curvy women are very sexy
I myself have dated etc curvy size women, and it’s not a box or somthing awfull when called bbw, curvy.
As a slim guy, without 6 pack or body to die for, height comes into it, not at all nice being judged and knocked back because of it. I am 5’10, what happened to personality. Sexyness is in the eye of the beholder, both eyes!
Not all women do this but quite a few.