Categorized | Dating, Fat Identity, Featured

101 Ways to Say “No Fatties” (on an online dating site)

101 Ways to Say “No Fatties” (on an online dating site)

While there aren’t literally 101 Ways (at least not in this post), I’ve seen some pretty creative, eye-roll inducing and damn frustrating ways that men on dating sites specify “no fatties.” They’re worth looking at, and maybe laughing a little. Beats crying, right?

This post is for the LULZ — read on, enjoy, and let’s discuss your worst moments in dating (male or female!) when it comes to body size & acceptance.

Profile Descriptions

These are the sometimes blunt, other times euphemistic statements in a person’s profile, where they can elaborate on their preferences. FYI: these are REAL statements made by REAL people, primarily on OKCupid and Plenty of Fish, because I’m on OKC (a friend is on PoF) and they’re free.

#1 “takes care of their body”

“I would like to be with some who takes care of their body, not just because i am more attracted to it, but because it is healthier. I would like my spouse and I to be healthy when we are older, and live good, long lives. Generally speaking I am into petite girls.”

Translation: “takes care of their body” + “i am more attracted to it” + “I am into petite girls” = SKINNY GIRLS ONLY PLZ. This isn’t a Health At Any Size preference. Nope. Taking care of your body = euphemism for thin. Take note, ladies!

#1.5

My perfect woman is intelligent enough to hold a good conversation, creative, passionate about whatever they enjoy or strive for in life, beautiful and takes care of herself physically.

Translation: My perfect woman is a SUPER MODEL.

#2 “IN SHAPE”/”OMG MISLEADING PICTURES”

I am in good shape and very active… Would love to meet someone who likes to workout and also be my workout partner. I hit the gym 5 days a week but Im far from a muscle head. Also, looking for someone who is secure but cool, relaxed and has no drama.

So if you believe a relationship should be 55/45 (someone always puts a little more in then another person…it’s just a fact), think you’re attractive, cute, and in SHAPE, maybe we could be friends and see what happens from there.

P.S.. Please no SMOKE AND MIRROR crap….if you say you’re thin, then be thin….anybody can take 1000 pics and post the best 3 that make you look good…but post pics that you actually look like in person….your on a dating website…people want to see what you look like..

Translation: I’m a shallow douche nozzle who doesn’t understand that people, by default, will post their best pictures. I’m also, contrary to my own statements, a “muscle head.” I also don’t realize that girls who are similarly gym-minded and “hot” probably come with drama and aren’t secure because they date looks-obsessed dude bros like me.

#3 Mr. Straightforward/Hypocritical

I am very picky with the ladies I date… White straight teeth and respectable employment are a must as well… Also… I am not into BBW… Nothing personal.

Looks and intelligence are major ladies. I want a girl who knows how to present herself at all times. I know many ladies do not believe they are beautiful. But to me you should be and that is important. I look beyond the outer beauty (don’t get me wrong I love a girl who keeps up on her Mani/Pedi game and so forth), but intelligence and so forth go a very long way with me.

Please do not mistake my honesty for arrogance or rudeness. I just don’t want to settle.

Translation: I don’t like FAT CHICKS. But then I’m going to pretend that intelligence matters (all fat chicks are dumb?). I “look beyond outer beauty,” except, you know, I DON’T. Code for: I will not date you if you are fat, and I WILL leave you if you GET fat. I don’t want to settle because I’m a guy and my life experience (and the media) have told me that men DESERVE HOT WOMEN. But it’s totally ok if you settle for ME. [ed note:  THIS GUY IS OVERWEIGHT, BTW]

Fun fact: #1 bemoans not being able to find “honest” girls who “don’t play games.” This is LOS ANGELES. If you’re only looking for petite women who “take care of themselves,” and you’re looking for women as young as 22? Yeah. I’m not surprised you’ve having problems finding “honest,” real women.

Questions

Now, one of OKCupid’s ways of matching people/letting people get a sense of each other is questions. Lots and lots of questions. All multiple choice, where you specify YOUR answer plus the preferred answer your SO would give, as well as weighting the importance of their answer. Most of the questions are user submitted. And like a bloody gopher popping up in one of those arcade games, the weight & attractiveness questions rear their ugly head.

Can an overweight person be sexy?

(I came across a guy who put “no.” Dealbreaker)

Would a person’s size be a dealbreaker?

(and one of the answers is “yes, but only if they are obese”)

My question: what definition of obese are we using?

Body Preferences

Both OKCupid and Match allow users to specify their own body shape. Match, further, allows users to specify, in turn, what shapes they are interested in. OKCupid doesn’t, but that deficit is covered by the questions.

Let’s talk about my favorite euphemistic body type on dating sites: Athletic

You know what I take this to mean, when I see a guy who describes themselves as such and, especially, specifies they’d like to meet someone of this type? Thin and “fit.” Operative word: thin. Athletic is the guy who goes to the gym four times a week, and is looking for the typical gym lady — petite, thin and murders herself on a regular basis on the stair machine. Not necessarily healthy, in terms of food or even cardio heart rate. But dagnabbit, she looks hot in her lycra workout clothes.

Call me paranoid, but athletic is generally a euphemism for how the person looks on the OUTSIDE, and not an actual measure of health & fitness. I would describe several of my friends as athletic (and healthy) who are not petite or thin. Would these guys be interested? Maybe. But too often the descriptor “athletic” is just an insidious way of specifying a thin body preference.

For further discussion of size specifications in online dating, see this post.

Dis-Qualifiers

This special honor belongs to eHarmony — the only dating site that let’s users specifically tell matches NO FATTIES. As I’ve discussed before, as frustrating as body types and publicly visible fat-hating questions are, it’s nice to know someone’s POV on weight BEFORE you initiate contact with them (or, rather, DON’T). Not so on eHarmony. There’s nowhere to specify your size or the size(s) you prefer, and you are into the fifth or sixth “step” of communication before it comes up:

On the “Can’t Stand” list, “Excessive Overweight” is an option. The descriptor? “I can’t stand someone who is overweight.”

There’s something about the way this is phrased, under what list it falls (Can’t Stands? Really?) and the fact that it can come out when you are already talking to someone, that rankles. Of all the euphemistic ways that people extol NO FATTIES on dating sites, this seems the most insidious in its shameless fat hating posture.

 

Now it’s YOUR turn! Let’s have fun with this.

Have you seen a doozy on an online dating profile? Did you come across a question that annoyed the heck out of you? Guys — obviously I’ve got a female perspective here, but have you seen women making similar statements?

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15 Responses to “101 Ways to Say “No Fatties” (on an online dating site)”

  1. DefineDiana says:

    I am so glad I’m past this stage. I met my now Fiancee on Plenty of Fish, so dating as an over weight (even obese) girl can be done. Reading your post gave me flash backs to all these profiles I had to sift through, and it was frustrating.

    I ended up just putting full body shots of myself up on the site, and I let the guys come to me so I didn’t have to deal with it as much.

    The on-line dating world can be so abrupt because you have to be so much more direct than if you were in person. Not everyone has tact, and that is just what you end up seeing on those profiles.

    • Jennifer says:

      I couldn’t agree more. I was tired of all the dissimulation that came with online dating. I didn’t want to lie to myself and feel unnecessary rejection, so I decided to be brutally honest with a CL ad a few years ago. I was expecting one or two replies from the usual suspects, but to my surprise, I got 10. Yes, some were creeps, but most of them were actually positive. I was baffled. OKCupid yielded zero results, but posting a rather sincere ad with a photo somehow got the point across; something silly quizzes and quirky messages couldn’t. I’m not complaining though. I met my husband through that ad.

  2. Robin says:

    Well… I guess I appreciate the honesty of those first profiles. They’re really warning away not only overweight (or think-they-might-possibly-be-overweight-by-ridiculous-societal-standards) women but also women who like their guys a little deeper than Charlie Sheen.

    Also, can I just state for the record (probably for the five billionth) time, how much I hate the term “takes care of herself” or “let himself go.” You never see those in terms of actual health-on-the-inside things… I mean who goes “man, I haven’t been taken care of myself. I drove without buckling up and haven’t flossed in a week!” They serve no purposes except very thinly veiled reinforcement of thin = health and fat = bad prejudices.

    • curvynerd says:

      Eh, I totally agree with you on these silly statements helping one screen. It’s the euphemisms & hypocrisy that bug me. “I care what’s inside… except you can’t be fat”

      And agreed. I think “takes care of herself” is now my least favorite placating euphemism. It is supremely annoying, and damaging.

      • Robin says:

        I think it’s more them saying… I care what’s inside and outside… and I am probably going to stay single because not only are my standards ridiculously high but I myself don’t really bring much to the table.

  3. Karysa Faire says:

    My special favorite men are the ones who think that heavy women are easy because we’re so desperate. The ones who say, ‘no one else likes you but I do’. Ugh. Just how young and stupid do you think I am?

    I post pictures and I am very honest with how I look because I’d rather be rejected straight out rather then later down the road when it would hurt (more). What I don’t understand are people who feel the need to comment on my profile or listing, telling me that I don’t deserve to date and that I’m hideous to look at (which I’m not). The last time I posted I had someone write to tell me that he thought I was a sad person because I looked sun burned in one of my pictures. . .I was going to die young and he just didn’t understand how I could allow myself to be exposed like that. . .

    Irony in those words, eh?

    I stopped online dating because of the crap I was putting myself through. This past month I started using a dating service–the old fashioned kind because I didn’t want to do online. Sadly, my experience has not been any better. [shameless plug here-you can read my blog about my latest experience which is one of the 'best' I've had yet]

    • curvynerd says:

      That’s a huge pet peeve of mine, too! It’s particularly bad with overweight women, but in general, also, I think men expect women to “settle.” But when you’re fat? Yeah, you’re REALLY expected to settle (and have low self-esteem, ie: be ‘easy’).

      That is so odd that someone commented on your “sunburn.” It never ceases to amaze me how people will pass comment & judgment on women. It’s just so natural to them. Hello… we’re not objects.

      I popped over to your blog and read up on your dating service. They sound terrible, to be honest! I’m totally with you on both of the guys you dated. Religious zealotry & bigotry are HUGE dealbreakers for me. And guy number two was just a trainwreck. I hope they do a better job on your next match. If not… can you get your money back? They sound pretty off-base.

      • Karysa Faire says:

        I am so happy that I found your blog! What a wonderful community you have going on here. I will definitely be dropping by often.

        As a follow-up, the dating agency called me today to say sorry and to reassure me that this man was not typical. Let’s see how long they take to match me up with Guy #3.

  4. Kenlie says:

    As you know, I prefer to find dates at bookstores though I’ve dated online as well (without sites like match or eharmony.) Those sites really put me at a disadvantage because no one (apart from weirdo chubby chasers who don’t have a chance in hell with me) wants to date someone who is morbidly obese.

    I’ve learned (the hard way) that dating online isn’t such a good route for me…and I guess it’s okay because when a guy walks up to me in a bookstore (as several did last year) they see exactly what my body looks like before they ask me out and/or promise me the world.

    • Kenlie says:

      And it saves an unnecessary form of rejection by someone who would like everything about me as a person only to decide that I’m too fat and/or ugly to date.

  5. ihwml says:

    haha, so true, man. i’ve been thinking of compiling a similar list. glad you beat me to it.

    • curvynerd says:

      You should! Sadly (and funnily) there are way more out there. Frankly, there’s potential for an entire Tumblr just for this kind of shit (hmmmmm). The hard part is how soul sucking it is to search for them LOL.

  6. JM says:

    While I agree that many of these guys are douchebags and jerks, and are trying to find something that may not exist, I can’t say that I find fault with them prefering one type of woman over another. As long as it’s presented nicely (which usually means using euphamisms) I don’t see anything wrong with it. I wouldn’t say “No stupid guys!” but I might say something along the lines of appreciating intelligence, and I wouldn’t say, “For god’s sake, have a job!” but I might say I’m attracted to men who are driven and successful.

    Personally, I like men who are active because I like to be active, too. And, I like to be active because it feels good and it’s fun, and I’m way happier, healthier, and easier to be around when I am taking care of myself and feel good inside, which makes me feel better about my outside. Looking good is secondary and when I’m at peak shape, you better believe I flaunt it because it’s hard work! Saying this, I don’t work out and take care of my body to attract men, but I like a challenge and I am competitive, and it feels great to be strong or fast or have endurance, or whatever it is. I love being able to shop and actually enjoy it. And, I like not worrying about my weight.

    Listen, I’ve been overweight, in fact I spent most of my 20s near or in the obese range. I worked hard to lose that weight, tone up, shape up, and it was the best feeling ever. Not because suddenly men who used to be douchebags started coming out of the woodwork, but because I felt free. That lead to just having a fantastic energy that attracted people out of nowhere. I put on some weight again and am back to working out. I do enjoy working out, but then life gets in the way, and it’s so hard to get back into, and miserable at first. Plus, I have my demons when it comes to food. It’s a lifelong battle, and so I can appreciate it when others are in the same boat.

    While it’s a person’s right to be overweight and I don’t think that others should hate a person simply because of that, I also think that overweight people shouldn’t judge those people who are in shape/thin/whatever. I know plenty of athletic men who appreciate a woman who is in shape, not just thin. Men know the meaning of “skinny-fat” and those who are truly athletic can tell the difference right away.

    I think that once you lose weight and get to the point where your weight is not an issue, you will change your tune. You will begin to understand that attraction and you yourself with likely prefer men who lead a similar lifestyle. I think your perception will change. Mine sure did!

    - JM

  7. Adam Nelson says:

    I’m sorry it’s the way it is, but I’m one of those men not attracted to somebody who’s not of natural body weight. Don’t care if they aren’t the prettiest woman out there, or, if they’re 10-20 lbs overweight? But there needs to be some attraction! If they are fat there usually isn’t any for me and a lot of men? Men are visual creatures. That’s just nature.

    Sure, guys could pretend it was o.k. and force themselves to date somebody they’re not attacted to because they had a great personality, but what happens when things lead to intimacy? If you’re a man and not and physically attracted, well, to be frank your sexual anatomy isn’t going to cooperate! If a man can’t get aroused, sex isn’t possible! Therefore, a lot of men couldn’t really have any romantic future with a fat woman because their body physically wouldn’t respond! I tried it once when I was trying to “not be shallow,” but I literally couldn’t function. Yet, there was no ED problem because things worked fine when by myself or with a partner I was attracted to! That’s not the guys fault! It’s not in our control what we’re attracted to.

    Would the fatties rather a guy just pretend looks weren’t an issue, only to be even more hurt when things led to sex that couldn’t happen? I doubt it. Wouldn’t that be humiliating?

    I was overweight from 18-28 years old. Why? Because I didn’t burn more calories than I consumed. It’s that simple Genetics? BS! Go to Europe or anywhere overseas where a lot of American’s ancestors came from (People with the same genetics) and you barely see any fat people! Kind of throws the genetic argument out the window! Only in America is it o.k. to be fat. Anywhere else in the world it’s looked at as uncommon and not natural or healthy. And most people aren’t.

    If I can transform myself, there’s no reason anybody else can’t. I got tired of being rejected. I just accepted that was reality if I chose to be fat and not do anything about. Now that I’m healthy, I expect potential partners to be as well.

  8. Going back and rereading old posts now that I’m actively back in the online dating game – and you know what? I’ve decided I’m OK with “no fatties,” however euphemistically they want to put it.

    When I was doing the online thing before, I waited for men to message me – and 99 percent of those who did were NOT what I wanted. So this time I have taken to messaging men whose profiles catch my attention, and those who are up front about wanting someone “in shape,” who “takes care of herself” are automatic no’s for me. I don’t even consider it.

    In fact, since I’m on OKC, I pretty much only message guys who, in their questions, indicate at least being open to an overweight partner. If they don’t answer any of the body preference questions at all, I don’t take my chances.

    I guess the last comment from Adam went up sometime after I’d stopped following the comments, so I didn’t see it. You know, I don’t hold it against a guy like that if he’s not attracted to my body type. That’s fine. While I wish more men were attracted to larger women, I guess I’d rather know up front who is and who isn’t, before we get into a situation like the one he described.

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