There’s been a lot of Weight Watchers hate on Jezebel recently, which brought into focus some of the common misconceptions about the program that I’ve heard repeatedly. I’ve blogged plenty of times about various elements of being a Weight Watchers, but always with the assumption that my audience “got it” the way the I do. I think it’s time to address some of the largest misnomers about Weight Watchers, based on my experience. Take a look before you dismiss it… or diss it (*coughjezebel*)

Biggest misconception: WW is NOT a diet!

1) Weight Watchers is a diet

Nooooo. Weight Watchers is not a diet. Atkins and South Beach are diets. Nutrisystem, despite having “system” in the name, is a diet. Weight Watchers is a program, and a lifestyle, that teaches you healthy habits, helps you with proper daily food intake/activity and coaches you through the realities of food and body issues, and long-term weight loss.

2) Weight Watchers uses a BMI chart and tells you what you need to weigh.

Ok, they used to, but they don’t anymore. When I was 14, in 1998, this is how my “goal weight” was determined. I was told that, at my age and height — 5 foot 9 — I should be between 135 and 145 pounds. It was a scary target, and felt pretty unobtainable. I got down to 160. I’ll tell you, as a sensible adult who has since ballooned way higher than 160, let alone 135 – there is NO WAY IN HELL I ever want to be that thin. 140 on my frame is a size 4/6. Noooooo. Weight Watchers was CRAY-CRAY.

Weight Weighters no longer tells members what their goal should be. You can set your goal anywhere you like. You can use BMI as a guide, and set your goal within that range if you like, but for some people – including me – it makes more sense to set a goal that will put us at a size 8, 10 or 12. Or, your *goal* goal may be too daunting — you can set up a mini-goal. Your first 20 pounds. Or your first 50. You could make your goal inches. Or dress sizes. It’s up to you.

3) You can only work for Weight Watchers if you’re thin

Not exactly. You can only work for Weight Watchers — as either a leader or a receptionist — if you have successfully completed the program, ie: hit your goal/become a Lifetime member.

The idea is pretty simple: it ensures that anyone working on the “public facing” side of the company knows the program inside and out, because they’ve lived it. It provides an authenticity to the proceedings, and you know that the thin person weighing you in, seeing your deepest, darkest moments on the scale has been where you are. And they’ve made it through the journey.

4) Weight Watchers makes you weigh in at meetings, in front of everyone!

Yes, you weigh in at meetings; no it is not in front of everyone. I don’t know where people get this impression — the Little Britain “Fat Fighters” sketch, perhaps? (dust, anybody, no?, dust?) Weigh-ins are private – between only you and the receptionist. No one but the receptionist sees your weight; they don’t say it out loud (unless it’s a loss — they may tell you the good news, ie: “you lost two pounds!”) — it is recorded in your member book and handed to you.

Now you see why you want your receptionist to be a successful Weight Watcher? Would you want Susie Always-Been-Skinny to see your 350 lbs, or your 2 pound gain, etc. etc.? No way. There’s a level of comfort knowing that the person who records your weight knows where you’ve been, and isn’t judging you.

Jennifer Hudson is the new WW spokesperson -- she is young, fun and happy

5) Weight Watchers is for my mom — old, overweight, suburbanites

Weight Watchers can be for your mom, but it’s not just for your mom. WW has undergone a branding transition over the years, and honestly I think the plan is more targeted to the Millennial/Gen X set than anything now. Some meetings, especially in the suburbs and that take place during traditional work hours, will be majority older folks with a lot of weight to lose. But meetings in the city very often have younger, relatable members and leaders. It can also work for teenagers — I joined at age 14, with my mother’s written permission. It was a life-saver!

If you’re really gun shy, or can’t connect to your local meeting, consider Weight Watchers online, where age is irrelevant!

6) You have to need to lose a lot of weight to join Weight Watchers.

Definitely not. It’s actually most common for people to need to lose between 20lbs and 40-50lbs. There are people who have a lot to lose — 100lbs or more — and for those individuals, WW is a wonderful program and support system for a long journey. Now, we all know I’ve talked about the “skinny bitches” clogging my meeting before (a term I try not to use anymore). Here’s the thing: if you don’t need to lose weight (medically), Weight Watchers will not let you join — this is to prevent those with eating disorders like anorexia being enabled by meetings and the program. I’m a bit skeptical that my former at work meeting held the same standards. There were incredibly thin, fit people in my meeting with less than 10lbs to lose.

That said, don’t think Weight Watchers can’t help you take off that pesky 10-20lbs. It can. If you have this amount to lose, the online program can be particularly effective — for a small chunk of change, you can be use the program tools for a few months and figure out how to drop that weight.

7) I can lose a ton of weight fast on Weight Watchers

You could, but you probably won’t. You also shouldn’t. Again, Weight Watchers is not a diet. It is a program and a lifestyle plan. You have daily points to eat, plus a weekly allowance, and the numbers are calculated to effect a healthy, gradual weight loss. It is common and recommended you lose 1-2 pounds a week. If you’re looking for a crash diet, WW is not for you. But if you’re willing to give it a proper go and lose weight the right way, WW is a good idea.

8 ) You have to attend meetings. I don’t have time for that.

You don’t *have* to attend meetings. As I’ve said before – to be truly successful, you really need to attend. But there’s no one at Weight Watcher’s twisting your arm, forcing you to sit and attend meetings. You do have to go to a WW center to weigh in, but you can just stay for a few minutes for that and leave if you want. Plus, WW has an online only program for those for whom going to a center just isn’t practical. You can read all the program material and use WW’s awesome eTools, for a lower price than “regular” members. That format would never work as well for me, but if you’re strapped for time or freaked out by “AA for fat people” (lol), you don’t have to go.

Weight Watchers has a whole, new ad campaign just for young people doing WW online, like this one:

9) Weight Watchers is expensive. I can’t afford it.

You have to prioritize what you’re willing to spend money on, obviously, but WW is not cost prohibitively expensive. The best deal, the Monthly Pass, is $40 a month and gets you everything — meetings, online and eTools. You can have it either auto-debited or charged to your credit card each month. You can pay ala-carte each week, at meeting centers — ie: only pay when you attend. This one will end up costing you more than just subscribing. If you really need to scrimp, you can always consider the online program — since you don’t go to meetings, you’re only paying for eTools and website access. This option is only about $20 a month. Eating out one less night a week or not grabbing your morning Starbucks every day will cover WW (and help you lose weight!).

10) I don’t want to talk about being fat. Meetings are too embarrassing.

Weight Watchers meetings aren’t school. Or like Little Britain. Your leader will never “call on you” and ask you to talk about anything you don’t want to. Participating is completely voluntary! I find that sharing is helpful, but there are definitely “wall flowers” at every meeting who just absorb information. It’s totally ok.

And no one is judging you at a Weight Watchers meeting. Most people are there for the same reason: obsessive, abnormal food behaviors, bad relationships with food and body issues. And, of course, healthy, long-term weight loss. You can lurk for as long as you like, and speak up when you’re ready (or not at all). I find that sharing is really cathartic. Plus they give out GOLD STARS!

No worries - Weight Watchers doesn't hock a line of knock-off foods you have to eat/drink

11) Weight Watchers is going to try and sell me their crap.

Yes, Weight Watchers is a business, but there are no “required” meals or merchandise. Every center sells Weight Watchers products — PointsPlus calculators, scales, measuring spoons, pedometers, magazines, books, meal guides and snacks. You are not required or expected to buy any of them. I will say, however, some of their products are worth it.

Two tips – wait for free samples (they do them for crackers and snack bars periodically) and wait for SALES. My absolute favorite, the mini snack bars are way over price — $7.50 a box! That’s insane. But when they’re on sale, you get two boxes for $10.  These mini bars are tasty, filling, great dessert supplements and my LIFESAVER at work. I always keep 2-3 boxes of mini bars in my desk for emergencies. I also recommend the Eating Out Companion if you eat out a lot. I haven’t needed it for years, but if your reality involves chain restaurants and fast food, get it — better to go in knowledgeable than blind! When the cookbooks go on sale, they’re also a steal.

12) I’m going to feel deprived on Weight Watchers, and not be able to live my life.

Again: Weight Watchers is not a diet. The program is designed to let you live your life while getting healthy and losing weight. You can eat ANYTHING you want on Weight Watchers. Now, that doesn’t mean you should. But if you want to or need to, you can. Just count your points, and keep with the other tenets of the program – fruits and veggies, protein, fiber, fitness. A piece of cheesecake won’t kill you. Neither will a wedding or a night out with the girls. That said, you can’t do anything you like, all the time, and expect the program to work. But Weight Watchers can give you guidance for navigating your life and coming out the other end sane, and fitter.

Those are the big ones I can think of. If there’s anything else you’ve heard about Weight Watchers or have questions about, please comment!

You can't be a WW leader unless you've successfully completed the program

The weeks are chugging along, and I have to say I’m really enjoying PointsPlus. I was skeptical at first, but Weight Watchers put their money where their mouths are. Even though things are essentially the same (counting points, tracking, etc.), it feels very different.

I’ve lost 6.2 pounds, which is pretty good for six weeks in which I’ve never felt deprived, starving or guilty. I’ve also lost an inch here or there, though that progress is primarily getting back to where my inches were in September. A friend commented the other day that I looked thinner, which is always awesome and appreciated. It’s early days, but Weight Watchers PointsPlus is a home run so far.

Let’s talk about Weight Watchers meetings. I’ve said before and I”ll say it again: Weight Watchers is like AA for fat people. If you’re going to the meetings, that is. WW has a whole incarnation of their program that is online only — you pay a small(er) monthly fee and get access to program materials and e-tools, but you don’t have to go to meetings (but if you want to, they are free with your plan). Frankly, this wouldn’t work for me — I have to be accountable to an outside force, because if I’m by myself, I will cheat. Likewise, if I don’t like my meeting or my leader, I’ll start cheating — going but not weighing (oh, the glorious “no weigh in” pass), weighing but not staying, or skipping meetings altogether.

So why AA for fat people? Meetings are like therapy, mixed with some self-help guruism and community support. I’ve been with many different leaders — an aerobics instructor, a happy “Massachusian” housewife (with the accent), a behavioral psychologist from Queens with heavy Jewish flair, and three very different people at my L.A. center – an East Coast lesbian transplant, a gentile Cali native and this past week my new “regular” (the others were subs): a loud, also very Jewish, therapy-based guru type. She said to us this week – “If you want to go to a meeting where you talk about food and leave, this isn’t the one for you. We talk about issues. I help you through this process. Stick with me, and we will deal with your issues.”

Frankly, I’m excited. My favorite Weight Watchers leader was Beth in Brookline, the aforementioned behavioral psychologist. First of all, the meeting attendants were a good bunch — actually overweight people, suburbanites and young professionals, unlike my “skinny minnies” work meeting — and Beth and I had a similar background. Everyone’s weight struggle is valid, but your outlook on life and being fat takes on a different form when you’re fat your whole (or most of) your life. Like me, Beth chunked up around puberty, and spent her pre-teens and teens on diets and going to nutritionalists (I never did the latter, but the former is all I know!). When this is your foundation, fat is really a part of your identity or, more accurately, your (warped) behaviors and feelings towards food are.  Being a behavioral psychologist, Beth approached being fat, food issues and losing weight cerebrally – how and why do we do x, y, z and what mental tricks to use to overcome some of them. She also helped me accept some of my food issues – once you realize that you can’t necessarily change yourself, but can learn to manage ingrained ideas, forgiving yourself and feeling less guilty becomes easier. I didn’t lose a ton of weight with Beth (though I did lose), but I DID make a lot of progress mentally and emotionally.

WW meetings aren't like this, I swear XD

When I was 14, having an upbeat cheerleader was good for me — that would be my former overweight housewife turned aerobics instructor. Tracy was peppy and funny, and though I couldn’t relate to her personally — she was petite and cute where I was tall and geeky — she was the right leader for me at the time. Now? I don’t think a cheerleader would suit my needs. But for a lot of people, a cheerleader leader — and fitness guru — is exactly what they need to make their weight loss journey. Others of us need someone who takes the theraputic approach — AA for fat people. Enter my new leader, Amy.

I’m excited to see where she takes me in my journey. Amy glosses over the “set meeting topic” and goes off-book, presenting the topic and then digging really deep into the emotions, food issues and personal stories that tangentially relate to it. The by-the-book lessons are important, but since I’ve done WW many times before and heard some topics 3-4 times now, it’s refreshing to go into the meeting knowing I won’t hear the same old thing. I think this meeting (Wednesdays at noon on Beverly with Amy, for those who are L.A.-based and curious) is the right one for me right now, because I can take the deep-dive into WHY I do some of the things I do.

There are two components to your meeting that must work in combination: weighing AND staying. If you just weigh in and skip the meeting part, you’re only getting half the benefit. And while everyone uses their “no weigh in pass” eventually, going to meetings and not weighing in for several consecutive weeks isn’t good, either. Facing the number on the scale each week (good or bad) and staying to take in that week’s lesson and share with your fellow Weight Watchers (or just listen to them) is key. Part of what makes Weight Watchers work is that it holds you accountable to the plan AND then gives you tools to get you through rough spots, and to make the plan really work for you. Very few people can diet (successfully) in a vacuum.

So it’s all about the meeting. I believe to be truly successful in the long run, you have to go. Studies have proved it over and over again. And I know that personally, I’ve seen myself fail in two ways — 1) by not attending my meetings and 2) by attending the WRONG meeting for me. My “skinny bitches” meeting was the first time I’ve been on WW and gained weight. It clearly was the wrong meeting for me at a time in my life when there were some big forces contributing to my being out of the control.

Here’s hoping this one is the right meeting, right time. I weigh in tomorrow. Fingers crossed!

Part of Weight Watcher’s new ploy to get fatties such as myself eating fruits and vegetables is that they’ve made them all zero points. When you’ve had a “bad” day, or you come home and you’re starving and don’t want to pig out on chips while you cook dinner, fast and easy zero point veggie snacks are essential. But plain vegetables are boring — its all about how you dress them up. Here are two recipes that have been my life-line for the last month.

Pic right from WW's recipe!

Zesty Cauliflower Poppers

Original from WeightWatchers.com; modified to fit my tastes & lifestyle

You’ll need:

• a ready-to-steam bag of cauliflower (Fresh & Easy sells them) or a medium head of Cauliflower (cut into small pieces)
• olive oil (1-2 tsp) or olive oil spray*
• salt & pepper
• cumin (seed or powder)
• curry powder or chili powder (to preference)

I’m a lazy Lucy, so I do the following:

• preheat oven to 400°F. Coat baking sheet with either olive oil or olive oil spray*
• steam cook cauliflower in the microwave 1-2 minutes
• toss cauliflower in medium bowl with salt, pepper, cumin and curry powder to taste.
• put on baking sheet and bake for 8-10 minutes.

If you buy a head of cauliflower there’s a longer process of cutting it up, and they come out of the oven crunchier b/c you’re not cooking them beforehand. But I can buy steamer bags pre-portioned at Fresh & Easy, so that’s how I roll

They are super tasty, and can be eaten as a snack, meal or as a side to a yummy Indian dish.

*if you use olive oil on the pan, add points per tsp. Using olive oil spray, makes this zero points

My other go-to I came up with myself, though I’m sure other geniuses have come up with similar if not identical “recipes” before

My green beans look like this... except they're drowning in yummy balsamic!

Crispy Balsalmic Green Beans

You’ll need:

• Steamfresh green beans/Fresh & Easy steam bag/Trader Joes frozen organic green beans or fresh green beans
• olive oil (1-2 tsp) or olive oil spray
• balsamic vinegar
• salt

If you have (LAZYAWESOMEFAST) pre-portioned steam bags, steam your green beans in the microwave. If frozen or fresh, boil on stove top until cooked & crisp. Lay green beans on a plate with a tapered lip or a shallow bowl. Drizzle olive oil, then drench in balsamic vinegar to your preferance (I like a lot), shake some salt on top to taste (optional).

Annnnd now you have a crunchy-salty-snacky food that can be an entire meal, a side or a snack so you don’t gorge yourself between meals. If you used olive oil spray, it’s zero points. Personally, I don’t mind using 1 point of actual olive oil, because the balsamic is zero and so are the green beans. And OO is good for you

I’m really lazy, and need low point foods that are fast and easy, or else I am tempted to go to Bad Things like chips and crackers. These are perfect, because with the steam bags, prep-time on these is 5-10 minutes (more for the cauliflower, less for the green beans), and they’re salty and savory, which is my vice.

Well, so far Weight Watchers, you have me convinced. I’ve lost 4.2 pounds in two weeks, and coming up on my week three weigh-in, I am optimistic (and my home scale says I’m down at least 3 more pounds, as of this morning). There are a number of reasons for this.

1. I am more serious about the program this time than I was last time
2. In order to kick-start things and not be surrounded by temptation, I’ve been staying in a lot and only eating food at home
3. No major life events or stresses yet
4. Honeymoon period of the diet
5. I went back to the gym

Imagine this L.A.Fitness full of ridiculously thin, beautiful people. And me.

Now, as the title of this post alludes to, I was, in fact, the fattest person at the gym. I’m 5 foot 10 and a size 16/18, so you can imagine this makes me feel rather strange. Yes, I accept that I am fat, because not to would mean pretending I’m “normal” and just getting fatter. But I also acknowledge, that I’m not *that* fat. I have never been the fattest person in the room. Until now.

This produced in me a variety of feeling, including but not limited to embarrassment, shame, paranoia, determination and a bit of smugness. Because you can’t help but feel a little bit smug knowing that a) you have no plastic parts b) you actually eat and c) that your cardio intervals are burning more fat than the tortured 40-minute running session everyone else at the gym is suffering through. But embarrassment and shame won out. I know shouldn’t be embarrassed — if you’re at the gym, trying to better yourself and your health, you have nothing to be ashamed of. But as I felt sweat collecting in my back-fat creases (HATE THOSE) and gazed at a sea of size 0-4s, buff, trim men and women running in unison, I felt paranoid — were the people behind me looking, judging? How stupid did I look sweating from power walking at a steep incline? Also, thank God all these people were so thin, because you could literally feel the floor shaking, bouncing ever so slightly, and a fatter clientele surely would have made this 2nd floor loft of cardio machines collapse. I repeated to myself a manta (inbetween prayers against collapse and reading the subtitles on Top Chef): no shame. But still — God dammit, Hollywood, you make me feel epically enormous.

Look over the Hollywood sign after the climb. The front was too hideous to show XD

Hollywood also makes me feel terribly out of shape. It is a right of passage in Hollywood to hike Runyon Canyon, which is situated just two blocks from my apartment. The view is beautiful! Celebrities do it all the time! Free exercise! People forget the part where it can totally kick your ass and feel like you are going to vomit, pass out and die. I celebrated Martin Luther King Day joining with this Hollywood tradition, along with three of my friends. The good news is, I survived. The bad news is, I thought I was going to fall off the side and tumble into the hills on more than one occasion.  Runyon? Kicked my butt.  My friends and I, the gluttons for punishment that we are, decided to do the “hard trail,” which is all sandy, rocky terrain and many stretches are at a vertical incline. As I huffed and puffed, heaving myself over the wooden plank steps, it was reassuring to see an 8 pound Chihuahua traverse the rocky terrain with greater ease than I. (in all seriousness, why would you take an animal with four inch legs on such a steep trail?) But I made it!

I’m so L.A. now, right? One can only hope so. Going Hollywood feels like my only option — being the “fat man out” is no fun, especially in a place where looks are everything. I have no intention of going plastic, but dammit, I am going to get thin (though I’ll never stop enjoying food).

No one can diet in a vacuum, and help and support from friends and experts is essential. I miss my Boston trainer, Serena, horribly. Thankfully, she, too, is a blogger! Please read her blog The Naked Dish, which gives not only exercise tips, but also talks about healthy eating and cooking. Serena has just started a series on Interval training, which is the thing that has totally turned me around on going to the gym, and may actually turn me into a “gym person.” (and for those who are lucky to be in Boston — Serena is the head trainer at Healthworks Coolidge Corner. Join, and work with her!)

It’s also helpful to know that my friends are on the same journey. A good friend out here is on Jenny Craig, and is my new Runyon buddy. Another, Emily, has done the “beautiful Hollywood” diet, looks amazing, and is running the L.A. marathon in March. Another friend, who shall remain nameless, just joined Weight Watchers last week, and is blogging her journey under a pseudonym at The Right Size. She is witty, an astoundingly talented writer, and I know will be rocking PointsPlus with me.  You can also follow “Alice” (love it) on Twitter.

ALSO — if anyone knows of a normal, sane, good trainer in L.A., let me know. I’ve seen some Barbie doll bitch types and beefcake hotties out here and, sorry, not going to happen. I want to train with someone who doesn’t fat shame, hasn’t been ridiculously thin and beautiful their whole life, isn’t intimidating and feels like a real person. Tall order for L.A.? :/

What better way to start off the New Year, and break from a writing hiatus (I’ve actually been writing on Tumblr regularly…), than with “fat kid goes back to Weight Watchers.” As you may recall, I stopped attending my last meeting, when a skinny bitch takeover* lead to my actually GAINING weight on the program. Whoops. Four months of gym-going was great, but post-move I’ve been inert and all too frequently stuffing my face. I don’t think I’ve cooked properly in YEARS, which hasn’t helped matters.

And you can’t live in Los Angeles and be a real fattie, so it’s back on the wagon I go! I’m actually jazzed for this go-round for a number of reasons, not only because I’m in a psychologically torturous and guilt-tripping environment (helloooooo Hollywood), but I have the budget for the Good Stuff (fresh fruits & veggies, organic, etc.), a fridge & kitchen all to myself so I can actually cook and because I may actually get going to the gym & being on Weight Watchers to HAPPEN AT THE SAME TIME. Crazy, I know. 2011 is the year of NO MORE EXCUSES.

But most of all, MOST OF ALL PEOPLE, Weight Watchers has… CHANGED. I was a skeptic when I first saw commercials, given I have lived through not one, not two, but THREE WW program reincarnations over the last 13 years (I started right after Points were created. Old Skool), and neither of the last two versions were all that innovative — they just made “official” and “mandatory” things that were common sense, and mostly made changes to compete with fad diets. PointsPlus does, in its own way, try to compete with other diets, but who cares because POINTS NO LONGER TAKE INTO ACCOUNT CALORIES. AND ALL FRUITS & VEGGIES ARE FREE.

Wait. What? I can’t even handle it… NO MORE CALORIES & BANANAS ARE FREE?!?!??? That’s a 2 point food. Now “free.” I… what? *stuffs banana into mouth, om NOM NOM NOM*

Basically, WW has revamped how points are derived, in order to follow new diet science, and compete with fad diets such as Atkins. Throw away all your old materials & your Points Slider, Weight Watchers, because it is all completely irrelevant. Points are now calculated using fat grams, carbohydrates, protein and fiber, with some complex algorithm that they don’t explain — you have to buy a points calculator, use eTools or download the iPhone/Android app to figure things out. Grannies are going to haaaattteeee this XD

OM NOM NOM NOM... FREEEEEEE.

But you can’t hate free fruits & veggies. As we all know, most vegetables were always free… but not the Sexy ones. You know what I’m talking about. Points were the only thing holding me back from inhaling potatoes. But now? Potatoes are ZERO POINTS. CRAZYTOWN. The even bigger gain is in fruit world — you used to have to count all the yummy goodness, strawberries, grapes, apples, bananas. No more — eat as much as you want, and they’re zero points. I know what you’re thinking — “that’s insane, they can’t all be zero points. If you eat 20 bananas, that’s a lot of calories.” Yep. Obviously you have to use common sense. And if you have less than ten pounds to lose, you can’t count them as zero. But the idea is to encourage people to eat fruits & vegetables instead of other things… and if you make it “free,” it’s hard to turn down. If you’re over points and starving, now you can have an apple, or grapes, or strawberries, where it used to be you couldn’t. Better to eat fruit & veggies than freak out and binge on crap, right?

The strangest psychological element is that all points have gone up. But so have daily points limits & weekly allowances. So I feel like I have more points and can eat more… but my favorite foods are more points, so it kind of evens out.

Will my inner skinny bitch come out to play? What hilarious stories will I bring home from my co-ed, Hollywood gym? How quickly will I tire of fruits & vegetables? Stay tuned. This should be interesting.

(On a side note, the new Weight Watchers commercials are fabulous, and in part enticed me back. I knew I needed to eventually, but a new plan and bright, fun commercials aimed at my demographic were the real kicker. (And Jennifer Hudson really does look AMAZING).)

* no offense to actual skinny bitches, especially those who may join Weight Watchers to improve their health. But we can’t be in the same meeting, kthanxbai.

In the new commercial, Sara Rue is even thinner. I think she looks nice here. But in the commercial, she looks unreal.

I had been planning on waxing (pre-maturely) annoying about making the mental and emotional (and, err,  physical) transition from Fat Kid to Skinny Chick. I’ve not even lost a lot of weight yet, but with regular exercise my body is definitely changing. And it’s weird. I am not happy being fat. But if I’m not fat, am I going to be happier? How much does my physical appearance really change my life?

Recently, I caught Sara Rue’s “look at me now!” commercial for Jenny Craig, and it made me inexplicably sad. Jezebel’s talking about it, and now I think I know why: it is promoting the (false!) idea that skinny = happy. Sara Rue is so self-hating in her before interview, though she is touching on some very real and true emotions that overweight people have, and then in the “after” she is SUPER HAPPY and all like OMG LOOK I CAN WEAR SKINNY JEANS I’M HAPPY NOW. Check it out:

It’s all so superficial, misleading and feels really disingenuous. Ok, maybe Sara Rue is very happy to be skinny now. But skinny = happy is a dangerous message.  Losing a bunch of weight doesn’t eliminate a lifetime of body issues.

For me, a huge part of wanting to lose weight, and stop being a fat kid, is that I want to be healthier. I don’t feel healthy fat. Since I started going to the gym three months ago, I feel healthier, and that makes me feel really awesome. I’m still eating crap, but that should end soon, when I leave my current (enabling) job environment. Eating healthy and being active I imagine will be the most SUPER AWESOME THING IN THE WORLD.

Do I want to be thinner? Yes. Let’s not pretend that IT’S ALL ABOUT BEING HEALTHY, Y’ALL. I want to be thinner, because I’d like to not have buying clothes/wearing clothes be a huge pain the ass, and generally I really dislike back fat. It’s gross. I’d also like to be less heavy than your average man, thanks. And I’d be a pretty hot size 10 XD

But I’ve always known that being skinny wasn’t going to solve all  my problems. I think it’s a primary reason that I resisted really taking the huge step to change for so long. I’ve always dieted, and I’ve had some success in the past. But it was always missing something: my true and complete commitment to working my ass off to lose weight (ie: going to the gym). I wanted to be happy the way I was — what was the point of being super skinny and having it prove that people couldn’t like me/I couldn’t be happy the way I was? I didn’t *hate* being fat… it was mostly just mildly inconvenient. More recently, my size got way larger than I was comfortable with, and it kick-started the true desire to change.

But it bears being said: I am a happy person. I have great friends, I’m successful, I like myself, I’m ok with how I look and even fat, I’m fairly awesome XP. And I actually think it’s the fact that I’m pretty damn happy with myself that I am finally ready to lose the weight. I don’t need a magic bullet to change my life. Slimming down and feeling healthier will just be icing on the cake. And that’s the way it should be.

I want to change for me. While it will be flattering to garner more male attention, I honestly suspect it will make me more uncomfortable than anything. Double edged sword: as a fat chick, I’ve never liked wondering if a flirty guy was a “chubby chaser,” because he thought I would be easy (as a fat girl who must have lower standards). As a future skinny chick, I don’t want to think that a guy only likes me because I conform to society’s idea of beauty. Skinny isn’t who I am. Neither is fat.

Back to Sara Rue, the way Jenny Craig has framed this marketing campaign and done this commercial, I get the distinct sense that Sara Rue has a whole other set of issues and unhappiness about being fat, especially as a (beautiful!) actress, and her “after” just reads as eerie. She’s acting very happy and is all like OMG SKINNY JEANS! But you don’t get the sense that any of her person issues have been solved. Because losing weight doesn’t solve self-esteem issues, or your life-long sense of yourself. I will always, in many ways, think like a fat chick. I will second guess myself, and my attractiveness, and the motives of anyone who tells me I’m “hot.”

Sara Rue is beautiful. This commercial, and Jenny Craig’s marketing ploy, make me sad. It is reinforcing a very bad idea for all women, but particularly fat women. Dieting is easy. You’ll be happier skinnier. Come to Jenny Craig. Your life will change.

No. It’s not that easy, and weight loss is a complex emotional issue. And losing the weight isn’t a magic bullet. Your life isn’t all of a sudden perfect, and skinny does not (automatically) equal happy. If we’re talking about weight loss programs… Weight Watchers, all the way. Compare same message, different method. Jennifer Hudson talking about “winning at losing”:

She never  mentions a specific number and, yes, they do highlight her body, but the main message is that she’s proud of herself, happy and her clothes are fitting better. But it feels more like a journey, which is what Weight Watchers is good at. Previous Jennifer Hudson WW spots have highlighted changing habits. Good stuff.

You two on the left? GTFO of my WW meeting

So I’ve not really been blogging about my weight issues because, well, there wasn’t much to *say*. I’ve been attending my Weight Watchers meetings as usual, but in addition to putting ON 20-ish pounds (as detailed in posts last fall), since then I’ve either not lost a single pound, or dropped a few and then just put them on a few weeks later. WTF. Then, about two months ago, rushed for time as work got busy, I went to my WW at Work meeting, and merely weighed in and didn’t stay for the meeting. Ok, I’ll be honest, I also couldn’t bear the emotional ups and downs of sitting in a meeting, surrounded by FUCKING THIN PEOPLE on a week where I was the same old fatty as always.

Well, you know what? Since I stopped staying for meetings, I’ve dropped about eight pounds. Seriously. Eight pounds that I struggled to get off all fall and winter, have been falling off. I am a firm believer that the program works better if you stay for meetings… but not my meetings.

Here’s the thing: my company is really, really, ridiculously good looking. The average employee is 23, female, a size 2/4 and unnaturally perky and pretty. And those who aren’t the prettiest dress and act like they are. I can describe pretty accurately my fellow “normals” who work in the building, because when I see anyone over a size 12, I rejoice, silently, OMG MY PEOPLE!!!! There aren’t very many, hence the few are memorable. So you’d think that my Weight Watchers at Work meeting would be made up primarily of these individuals. Um, no. It’s 4-5 women who, like me, have struggled with their weight either all theirs lives or consistently since high school/college. They struggle, have ups and downs, and are fighting the good, long fight. The rest, 10-15 per session, though their faces constantly change, are super pretty, super skinny girls who have put on 5-10 pounds of pudge recently. Weight Watchers teaches them that OMG beer/cocktails have calories! and how many points/calories are in chicken wings/salad dressing/whatever, they do the program for 3-6 months, wherein they lose all their weight (nevermind that I can lose 5 pounds in a week, if I really try), and become Lifetime members! But we never see them again, of course, because THEY WERE FUCKING THIN TO BEGIN WITH, AND NOW THEY’RE JUST THINNER.

Now, like a good little Weight Watcher, I will acknowledge that everyone’s weight struggles are personal, and that one should not place a higher value on one person’s struggle over another’s. Weight Watchers is just as much about learning to eat healthier as it is about losing a ton of weight. Yes, yes, yes… but FUCKING HELL, I CANNOT RELATE TO SKINNY BITCHES. It is embarrassing sitting in a meeting wherein girls who wear a size 6-8 eat yogurt and talk about their “struggles,” when you are over 200 pounds, have been overweight since you were 8, have serious food issues, and JUST CAN’T SEEM TO LOSE ANY DAMN WEIGHT. I think my leader is secretly ashamed of me — I weigh MORE than when I started her session. Yeah.

I can’t be the only one in this boat. We’re all supposed to be nice and supportive, but let’s be honest: some people have it WAY harder than others. Someone who weighs 100 lbs more than me has it harder than I do, and I should STFU and stop complaining. Well, equally I think I can be a bit miffed and discouraged by pretty, thin girls clogging my meeting and making me feel like a big, fat, ugly failure. I miss my old meeting, which was full of “normal people,” with life-long weight struggles, and long journeys. But my work meeting is just so damn convenient. For now, I’m going to continue just weighing in and skipping my meeting. Yes, this makes me a bad Weight Watcher, but I’m losing weight, and isn’t that the point?

I'm Not the New Me by Wendy McClure

While yesterday was, of course, “Fat Tuesday” (aka: Weight Watchers meeting/weigh in day), I saved my fat kid talk for after I’d finished I’m Not the New Me. After all, I can only regale my “readers” (aka: close friends who are good enough to click through my Twitter/Facebook links) with my “waaaaahhhhh, I’m fattttttt” talk so many times a week XD Plus, I found myself quite liking and, more importantly, relating to Wendy McClure’s book, once I got through the beginning. As you may recall, I wasn’t feeling the book at first. In fact, three or four years ago when I received it as a gift, I started and then put it down, never to pick it up again. McClure does herself no favors in the opening chapters, jumping inbetween comedic scenes of personal realization, with a tone that is meant to be funny, but just comes off as grating and somewhat confusing.

But once I got through the first fifty pages or so, the book really picked up and, more importantly, I realized “oh God, this is me.” Not completely, of course. McClure started out bigger than I did, and has the backstory of growing up with an obese, yo-yo dieting (stomach stapling) mother, plus her tendency to burst into tears at any moment (she describes herself as always having been “sensitive”). I’ve also never shopped at Lane Bryant, though I have been the fat girl in the department store unable to find anything that fits, or is flattering. It’s when McClure stopped trying so hard to make her Fat Story interesting and funny that the book took off — my first “OMG I KNOW” moment was when she was shopping for a dress to wear to a wedding, to show off her new size 18 figure. She writes:

“The whole idea is that Lane Bryant understands how you feel: you bring your fat girl pain to Lane… Their very generous fitting rooms with wide, stylish veneer doors convey Big Girl Entitlement. All in all, Lane Bryant does a very convincing job at being a mall store. I’ve heard that thin girls will sometimes walk into Lane Bryant and for the longest time have no idea where they are.”

Then there are forays into website maintenance, “meeting people from the internet,” online dating, Weight Watchers comedy, disastrous relationships, fat girl pain, gym aversion and so many other things. Often McClure tries to hard to be pithy and insightful — many of the “chapters” are just 1-2 page vignettes wherein McClure expounds on Something Brilliant, with punchy, purposeful prose. Some of her realizations are poignant, others are muddled and just seem superfluous.

Regardless, overall the book works. I found myself eager to return to it, despite my early reluctance. Particularly McClure’s relationship woes, and experiences with the online world reeled me in — I can relate, in so many ways, though I would almost have liked to see more depth of analysis. But, then again, McClure isn’t a sociologist, and while on some points she aptly outlines the psychological traumas and dilemmas of a fat girl shedding pounds (and finding that, after all, she is NOT a different, better person), she misses some opportunities for analysis where she’d rather be funny. This is probably just me projecting my own interests onto her story and, hey, the benefit of being a writer myself is that I can always cover these topics, instead.

If you’ve ever done Weight Watchers, or just been overweight and uncomfortable, and want to read a real account of someone who struggles with the weight loss process and finds the big “happy ending” elusive, it’s a good book to read. Plus if you have experience with online culture — fandom friends, I am looking at you, while very “early 2000s,” there is a lot to relate to, particularly “JournalCon” and the friendships McClure develops with other denizens of the online webblog universe. Alas, I’m Not the New Me seems out of print, though you can buy it used from Amazon. However, McClure does still maintain her website “poundy.com,” the site that launched her book, though it is now, of course, a proper blog, instead of a Geocities collection of web pages (I had one of those, too! I liked that about the book, too, oh, websites in 2000/2001). You can read it here. You can also “catch up” on what happened after the book here.

She gained the weight back, it seems, which honestly makes me like her, and  her book, MORE. Because, hey! So did I. *awkward chuckle* Weight loss is a struggle, it’s real, and I’m Not the New Me carries a (potentially grim?) but real message: I’m Not the New Me, and can I ever be the New Me? Or will I just be Me only less fat? (that’s from my last post, not the book XD)

I like it when a book surprises me like this

While inspired by the book at hand, this is more a personal post with some cultural commentary. I’m Not the New Me is a now-out-of-print book by Wendy McClure, gifted to me several years ago by a lovely friend (madgirl.org — she is my partner-in-blogging-novel-writing-and-general-geekage!), lost in the wake of a move or three, and finally remembered and reclaimed on my last trip home. The title has stuck with me over the few years despite my not having read the book, because I think it aptly describes my own personal weight loss journey: Ten years of on-and-off Weight Watchers, growing out of my teen years and into my twenties, and 30-45 pounds coming on and off and on and off, God dammit, I AM NOT THE NEW ME. WTF.

It’s the most common weight loss mantra: when I lose the weight, I’m going to be a different person. A better person. A prettier person. I’ll gain self-confidence and DATES! and be fabulous — the star of my own personal movie. I could write a movie! And be the star! Or something.

Well, I’m a different person alright, but not the super thin, ridiculously fabulous version I’ve envisioned through my weight loss journey. Heck, I STILL picture “thin me” in my mind when planning out my fantasy dating life. But I’m not thin me. I’m still pretty awesome, but, come on, I’m fat.

I’ve been a fat kid my whole life. A funny thing happens when a girl hits puberty: she packs on the pounds. Thanks, estrogen! I really enjoyed porking up to a glorious 125 pounds by third grade. FYI: the average 9-year-old is supposed to weight about 75-80 pounds. Again: I WAS 125 POUNDS AT AGE 9. When I moved to Atlanta when I was 12, I went up to the 140s. Three years later, when I ventured on my first Weight Watcher’s quest, I was in the 180s (or low 190s? I DON’T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE). Granted, I also shot up to 5 foot 9 around age 12/13, and grew a bizarre but lovely inch around 17/18, so the pounds were distributed across a large frame. And, thank you estrogen (genuinely this time), I settled into curves in my late teens and early twenties that hid the fat more proportionately. But still, I am a lifelong fat kid.

Now I’m a fat adult. Yay. Without getting too gory, let’s just say that I weigh over 200 pounds now. Bizarrely, with a few annoying exceptions, I still fit into a size 14/16, which I have for the last fluctuating 20 pounds. Every time I join Weight Watchers/get back on the wagon (after all, I’ve not quit Weight Watchers for the last year and ten months, I’ve just failed monumentally, all the while attending my meetings), I repeat the mantra: I’m going to be a different person. Someday. Maybe. Hopefully.

Weight is intrinsically tied to personal identity, and can most commonly boiled down to two things: I’m a fat person or I’m a thin person. Is it really so different to be one or the other? Well, come on, YES, of course. To be fat is to be other, even in a society like America’s where the average woman is a size 14 and obesity is a way of life in many parts of the country. Regardless, it is Not Okay to be Fat. We see it on TV, in the movies, in magazines, advertisements and even in books (I can count on one hand the mainstream books that have fat heroines. Most are written by Jennifer Weiner.).

The Biggest Loser is the most glaringly obvious example, being the quintessential fat makeover show — it’s uplifting and heartwarming, and people get the CHANGE! and be BETTER PEOPLE! But, um, it’s also a show that centers around the idea that fat people are horrible and miserable and should engage in a competition where they must change. And if you don’t lose enough weight, you’re a failure. Um. Ok. And let’s also think back to Shallow Hal. Remember that movie? The one that offensively lambasted fat people and featured Gwenyth Paltrow in a fat suit breaking benches. Nice.

Then there’s the more subtle, subversive anti-fat message: how many shows or movies can you think of with viable main characters who are fat? I’ve blogged about Drop Dead Diva and how surprising I find it, and other than Kathy Najimy on Veronica’s Closet in the 90s, Kirstie Alley on Fat Actress on Showtime, and a few other shows with token fatties (Rosanne, other situation comedies with husbands with beer guts), there are very few, and those that do exist rarely portray fat characters positively.

This is a far bigger issue than I can cover in one post, but it’s true: fat is an identity. Thin is a (very subconscious) identity. I highly doubt normal-sized people sit around thinking about their not-fat identity. But if you’ve been a fat person, do you really fundamentally change and become a “new person” when you are no longer fat? I’m only 25, but I’ve spent more than half my life being fat, and I don’t know if the hang-ups, self-esteem issues, defensiveness, etc. of being fat will ever go away. I’m Not the New Me, and can I ever be the New Me? Or will I just be Me only less fat?

Will my life magically change because I’ve lost weight? I’d kind of like if people liked me for me (omgcliche), and can I really trust people who come on to me just because I’m thin? Then again, I find it patently annoying as hell when people come on to me just because I’m fat (newsflash: fat girls aren’t always easy). My self-esteem isn’t that low, bub. Or is it? I DON’T KNOW.

Watch me, as I journey. I’m not the new me, I’m frustrated, but ever-delusionally hopeful. And mostly I like the title.

Ok. I am going to share my massive failure with the blogosphere, if only to hopefully shame myself into doing better. Or helping people. Either one. Ha.

Let me just put it out there: I fail at life and weight loss.

Oh, don’t be hard on yourself, right? No, wrong, I need to be hard on myself. I’ve gained TEN POUNDS in three weeks, and now weigh MORE THAN I EVER HAVE IN MY LIFE.

…

W.T.F. I think this is the short, beautiful girl’s revenge, LOL.

I could list all the reasons as to how this happened, but it boils down to my core weight loss issue: lack of control. I had many moments over the past few weeks, where I just didn’t want to control myself. I ate what I wanted. I deluded myself, once again, into thinking I could act and eat like a normal person. I can’t. Three meals a day doesn’t work for me. Chips, cookies and juice don’t work for me. I didn’t even have that many big events in the last month, so that’s not even an excuse. I thought I was back on the wagon, but being lenient on myself, in tiny increments over the last few weeks, has simply added up.

I have reached a cross-roads, it seems. Simply eating well — or trying to (and failing?) — isn’t working anymore. I don’t have the natural, resting metabolism I had at 14, when I dropped 20lbs in a year.

I think I have to join a gym. Watch as I recoil in disgust. I don’t like gyms. They make me feel bad about myself (oh, the horror, of putting on lycra workout clothes), they’re expensive, and honestly I’m just LAZY and won’t go for my money’s worth. I’ve avoided joining a gym for years. I’m “not a gym person,” I’ve told myself. It’s true, but I think I have to suck that up, deal with the cost, and join the one that is geographically closest to me (to increase the chances I’ll actually go), and try and establish a routine. I’m hoping my roommate will join with me, as social obligation to another person is more likely to make me go.

So this is proof that no matter how smart you are about being fat, no matter how rational, that you can go careening off the wagon, landing with a splat on the pavement, at any time. Fifteen pounds ago I could delude myself, but now? Dude, I’m fat.

And that is SO not on.